he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
