after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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