all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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