You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
