So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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