dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
