Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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