I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
