I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you never un-have a 4some
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
