I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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