To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
