I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
