my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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