I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
