I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
