I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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