I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
