my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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