Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
