4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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