No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
