I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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