You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
