we have pet lesbian snakes
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
