i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
