I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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