Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
