So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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