After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are we still banned from the library?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
