if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
