Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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