So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
