apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
