We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
