I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
