Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
