ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
