my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
