The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize