herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
