I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize