Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
