The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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