Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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