if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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