i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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