You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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