It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Farmville is her only friend.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
