Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
