I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
