my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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