Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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