he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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