remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
