Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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