i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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