wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
