my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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