im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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