mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
