her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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