Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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