Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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