party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize