My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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