I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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